Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
