So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone came in the potted fern
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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