I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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