I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
