Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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