i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
