captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
