Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
