Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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