If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
