There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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