im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
