I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
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We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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