yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
