I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
