apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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