I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
