please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
