census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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