I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
you didnt know i had herpes?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
