If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
