I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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