how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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