just come out here and I will go home with you...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
