I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
