My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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