A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
