Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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