I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
