Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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