I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She told me I should be a condom model.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
