Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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