walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
