i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
