You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
