I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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