I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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