I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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