I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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