I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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