think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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