Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
