Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
