Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
