I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
