This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
