She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
