You're my little dorito
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
