I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
