i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
