Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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