Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
