Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
