i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize