Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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