the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
