Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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