i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
