Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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