im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
