There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
