I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
